Yesterday I did a poo at work.
Yeah I poo. Like everyone else I need to poo daily.
So I did my poo and flushed the toilet (as one does). I then watched in horror as the toilet bowl filled with water and began to overflow onto the floor.
I started mopping up the poo-water and then realised I was going to have to call my boss, who was going to have to call a plumber and they would see the remains of my poo in the bowl. I work alone and no one else is allowed to use the toilet so it would be obvious that it was me who had done the poo.
I covered my hands with several plastic bags and fished out as much of the evidence as I could.
Looking in I could tell it was still very obvious that someone had recently done a shit, but what could I do, there was no way to fish out all the little floaty bits, or the big bog that was sitting at the bottom of the toilet near the bend. It had evaded my gropings by disappearing up the bend every time I touched it and was now sitting defiantly on the cusp of the pipe.
Sighing I called my boss to tell him what had happened.
He called me back a few minutes later and we had the following exchange.
My Boss: "Thea, I called Suzie there and she said she had no problem with the toilet." (Suzie is my co-worker)
Me (at this point I was thinking 'Oh right, well then, if Suzie says there's no problem then there mustn't be. Sure I'll just ignore all the shitty water on the floor will I?'): "Ooookay, well she was working yesterday and I am working today and I'm telling you there is a problem now."
My Boss: "Suzie says that a few years ago we had a problem with the plumbing but it turned out to be the shop next door's plumbing that was the issue. Go and ask them if they're having a problem."
Me: "Oookay, and did you call a plumber?"
My Boss: "I'll see what I can do." (Hangs up).
The way forward all being crystal clear now after that phone call I opened the shop door again.
A big burly man stormed in. "You've got a problem with your pipes?" He said in a confrontational manner.
Thinking this was the quickest plumber service ever I said: "Oh yes we do! Just out back there." And I pointed in the direction of the toilet. I was a little embarrassed at this point, he was going to go out back and it would to be pretty obvious that I had recently done a poo but I thought to myself, 'He's a plumber, he's used to this kind of thing.' And I told myself to get over it. Everyone shits.
But then he came back out and I realised he had no tools.
"It's blocked." He said and I wondered if there wasn't a bit of judgement in his eyes.
No shit Sherlock.
"It's been leaking through the roof down into our office." He said.
I was momentarily confused. The plumber had an office downstairs?
But no, this man worked in an office and the poo water has been dripping into his workplace and he'd come to investigate.
And to witness my shame.
Next my boss came in.
"I had to come into town so I thought I'd have a quick look." He said.
'Great', I thought. 'Come look at my shit.'
His inspection apparently left him speechless and he left without a word, still leaving me in the dark as to if an actual plumber was coming or not.
An hour later another man strode in purposefully.
"I'm going to look out back." He said in a way I didn't feel I could argue with. A surge of humiliation ran through me with the arrival of this new witness of my defecation.
Either he was the plumber or he had heard about the unmissable experience that is looking into our blocked toilet and the remains of my morning poo.
It turned out to be the latter. He left without saying a word and I was none the wiser as to who the man was.
Later my boss called and said: "Did the plumber come yet?"
Me: "I think so. There was a man here not long ago but he left without saying anything."
My Boss: "Ah no, that was the landlord. The plumber will be in later."
This was tough news to take. I'd already suffered through 3 people coming face to face with the hard (and soft) reality of my inner bodily functions. Now I had to wait on another man to come.
While I awaited the fourth shit spectator I considered putting a sign in the window to invite the general public in to examine the contents of the toilet. I could have a visitor book with space for comments.